Navigating Christmas as a Trans or Gender Diverse Person: Tips from a Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Rosie Jones, Clinical Psychologist at Gender Plus
Mid-winter and the festive season, including Christmas, Diwali and Hanukkah can be a challenging time for trans and gender diverse people, particularly when it comes to family dynamics. As a Clinical Psychologist with over a decade of experience working with children, young people, and families, I want to share some insights and practical advice for making the holiday season more manageable.
The Unique Challenges of Christmas
From my experience working with the trans community, I've seen how festive gatherings can bring a unique combination of stress factors.
I often hear about situations where, for example, dad knows, but the person impacted doesn't think mum could handle it. Then everyone comes together and there's this undercurrent of secrecy fuelled anxiety: What happens if they slip up? What if they share my news without me asking? It can all be very difficult to navigate.
Then there are the smaller, painful moments such as receiving a personalised gendered card addressed to "my son" or "my daughter." That's bad enough if you haven't told anyone you are gender diverse. If you have, it's a kick in the teeth.
There's considerable overlap between gender diversity and neurodiversity, and that often compounds things. Christmas has so many social rules associated with it, that in day to day life, don't usually apply:
having to do things you don't want to do
spending time with people you don't necessarily like
the pressure to give and receive gifts, spend money, and make the most of limited time together - whatever that means.
Essentially we all have to be on our best behaviour and it can be overwhelming. Everyone is under pressure, either financial, social, or both, we often find ourselves in different houses with nowhere to hide and nowhere to escape to.
The chosen families that have become so important throughout the year may not be available in the same way, with everyone managing their own challenges and potentially travelling. Professional services shut down too, so they're not necessarily there to support - all of the safety nets that have been put in place can suddenly disappear.
Practical Steps for Preparation
So what can you do? Preparation can make a significant difference. Here are some steps you can take before the holidays:
Have conversations with key people
Understand who's in charge - the key organisers - and ask about the plan so you feel a bit more in control. Understand that you don't have to be part of everything. Work out what you can opt in and opt out of. Agree in advance how you'll navigate known sticking points so there isn't that tension on the day.
Consider whether to come out
If you feel safe and supported, you might feel able to come out to the wider family unit, particularly if you have allies who already know and have your back. Equally, doing it in such a public way could be overwhelming. It's different for everyone. Only you know your family dynamic and what's best for you.
Build your support network
Make sure you speak with the people you feel safe with. Help them understand the situation from your perspective and ask for their input, make sure you have support and you aren't navigating this alone.
Plan nurturing activities
If you know it will be a tricky time, weave in things that will be nurturing or nourishing. Take time out to be alone, walking the dog, for example. If that results in the offer of the entire tribe accompanying you, duck out before they have time to get up off the sofa! Organise a group call with your chosen family. Help mum/dad/sister or uncle in the kitchen. Find activities that give you room to breathe.
Identify your allies
Find your allies, you don't even need to make it about your gender. Just identify people who will look out for you, who will notice you've been in the loo for an hour and who will check you're okay. Prioritise your own safety and emotional wellbeing rather than worrying about everyone else. If people are annoyed by you not spending time with them, but you're okay, that's a good outcome.
Plan your exit strategy
Understanding your get-out options can also help:
Who can pick you up, should you need it
Where can you go
Who can drop you back
Advice for Supportive Family Members
For those supportive family members who want to make this festive time more inclusive for their gender diverse loved ones, there are plenty of things you can do. The most important one is to be aware of how that person is doing, what their interactions are like, when someone is being barbed, when a situation might be triggering, and step in. Offer reassurance, even just sharing a conspiratory eyeball roll at a thoughtless comment can help that person feel less alone.
Check in with the person you love and anticipate what can help. If you're not together, call them and give them an opportunity to step out if they need to.
Only if the person is out to the whole family, and you won’t risk outing them, ring around before the gathering and remind the wider family to use the correct name and pronouns. Ask your loved one if they're okay to see cards with their old name or if they'd rather you got rid of them.
Final Thoughts
Christmas can be hard for so many reasons. Pile on top of that gender diversity and neurodiversity, and all too quickly, it can become too much - knowing you are not alone can make all the difference.
Find your allies - whether they're family, friends, or community - and make good use of them. Set boundaries for yourself and take plenty of time out if you need it.
Equally try not to feel guilty if you love Christmas despite having to pretend to be something you are not - it’s perfectly acceptable to do whatever you need to do to get you safely through the holiday season.
